It’s weird waking up and allowing yourself to be aware of things you’ve kept hidden or refused to acknowledge and its even more bizarre to allow yourself to feel emotions you’ve always sought to mood alter or discard.
I’ve been sitting with incredible sadness and loneliness the last 48 hours. I had to. I have never allowed myself to do this, I have always distracted myself in work, play, alcohol, sex or anything else that was available to prevent myself from acknowledging my internal struggles and pain. The loneliness isn’t due to lack of friends, family or support, it’s the realization that my life as I envisioned it and the people I envisioned it with has taken a dramatic turn. The sadness is based in this as well.
For the first time in 20+ years I went thru a day without contemplating suicide. Maybe a sign of leaving an addiction behind, maybe a sign I’ve finally placed some value on myself that doesn’t require outside validation. Maybe both.
I’ve also come to recognize an overwhelming amount of unresolved grief, beginning with the loss of my friend Pete while I was in bootcamp 30 years ago. I had no place or opportunity to grieve him. I got 30 minutes to call home and then I had to go back to the reality I was in. I’m realizing this is how i’ve managed all my grief. Allowed myself a few minutes to feel sad and cry and then move on. A few days before my breakdown I had another meltdown. This one was in the form of tears, and I was comforted by the person I love. It’s probably the biggest, most honest grieving i had ever done. It was primarily for my friend Xak, but also Larry, Joey, Jason and Todd. And for Amy, who was grieving her own loss and I couldn’t find words or ways to ease her pain. I realize I only touched the surface of all the underlying grief and the foundations for the volcanic explosion of the underlying grief were laid. It had to come out, I just didn’t have the skills to manage it.
I can’t change what I did. I can only acknowledge, accept and learn from it. This process of self-awareness has already freed me from the burdens of so much I have carried. 14 days sober, seems like nothing and forever all at once. Thanks for tuning in, check on your friends, tell folks you love them and never be afraid to admit that you’re not ok or that you need help.
JMH
