em·pa·thy
noun
1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
There has been lot of talk about mental health, PTSD and suicide awareness almost everywhere you turn these days.
People post links to professional services and help lines, they post their own phone numbers and encourage those in need to call at anytime, they wear bracelets and start foundations to provide resources. Hold fundraisers and events to promote community and organizationsl awareness. I think most people do this with genuine intent and it comes from a place of true love and empathy. A desire to help a fellow human in a time of great need and desperation.
But when it all explodes in your lap, in your yard or in your face, and you see how ugly and awful it can be, that is when the separation occurs. Who is truly ready to be there and who can’t. Who can still see the wounded person, the one behind the damage done, who lost control and reacted out of fear and pain. And who can only see the person who did the horrible thing? Who will step forward and be there to help pick up pieces in the aftermath of a breakdown and who will walk away.
The truth is, it’s ugly and painful and has all sorts of repercussions and fallout. But when you close a door on someone who needs help at their lowest moments, you don’t protect or help anyone, you prolong the cycle and the pain. You make sure that everyone involved stays stuck in shame and feeling helpless. True love and compassion see beyond an event and look at the person hurting in the center of it.
Forgiveness takes time, maybe more time than we have. But acknowledgment, safe and honest communication and awareness take only a few moments, and can begin healing processes for all involved. Ignoring it doesn’t change what happened, it just keeps people stuck in those awful moments where someone’s trauma finally breaks them and they hurt the people they love most.
It is as ugly and scary and painful for the person who breaks as it is for all those who witness it and those who suffer because they were the target of the fear. The only way to begin healing fear and hurt are with unconditional love and compassion and an understanding of what can take a human to such a desperate place, and what can bring them back.
A traumatic breakdown doesn’t mean that every good quality in a person was suddenly and permanently extinguished, it’s not a permanent change. It’s a temporary overload, that requires work to fix. It’s a symptom of a person who couldn’t carry the load anymore. They finally collapsed and while much of their hard work and path back to their feet requires so much of their own effort and hard work, it doesn’t make you a bad person to be willing to extend a hand, to help them up and to offer some support. You aren’t condoning what occurred, you are acknowledging the human within who needs help, you are stepping beyond your own anger and beginning the healing process.
Listening to someone who broke doesn’t forgive what they’ve done or dishonor the pain they have caused someone else you care about. You can still protect the people who have been harmed while being honest with the person who fell apart. You don’t reopen the flood gate to additional trauma It’s just a step in a process that helps to open the doors to understanding, processing, and healing. It helps develop healthy and constructive tools to prevent future episodes and promote mental wellness and personal growth.
Anger keeps people stuck in fear. Ignoring the 800 lb gorilla in the room feeds the anger and fear. Open, honest and safe communication and discussion promotes growth and change. It begins to take away the influence and power of the gorilla, it allows everyone to find safety, to be open to vulnerabilities and take an honest look at their fears.
Helping someone who needs help doesn’t erase the event or the consequences, it’s just part of the effort to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Silence just perpetuates the problems, the pain and the stigmas for everyone involved.
So, in light of recent events, I will say this isn’t aimed at anybody in particular, it’s aimed at everyone who might read this. Its just an observation of the guy who broke, who’s trying to do the right things and the hard work but only has half the information. I know I have been guilty of closing doors. It’s much easier to close a door and walk away than it is to hold it open and welcome the person who is out there in from the storm.
