“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
― C.G. Jung
Yesterday was a long day. Late Tuesday afternoon I grabbed the dog, jumped in the truck and headed south. Drove 5 hours to Fruita, CO where we slept for a couple hours. Woke up early Wednesday, grabbed coffee, picked up a U-Haul and high tailed it to Montrose. In Montrose, we spent a few hours loading my great uncles possessions – the things he decided to wanted or needed to live out his days in a retirement community in SLC – did a final walk-thru on his home (I’m returning next week to finalize moving out, cleaning up and selling it) and then jumped back in the truck and headed for SLC. 26 hours after leaving SLC, I was back home, he was sort of moved into his new home, and I sat down to rest.
13 hours of windshield time in a 24 hour window was a lot. A lot of time in my own head. A lot of time looking out the window and wondering what’s next. But the 6 hours I got to spend with Bob were amazing. I’ve been visiting him as often as I could while passing through and around Colorado for the last 15 years, but this was by far the longest chunk of time we’ve spent together since I was much younger…
Conversation Number 1
My great-great grandfather… I had known for years he was a renowned blacksmith and farrier on the western slope of Colorado, but few details. I learned he was a true horse whisperer, a man capable of shoeing any horse, without force or coercion. Men brought him horses from near and far that no one else could shoe. He once trimmed and shod a stallion that no one could even touch and his feet had gotten hazardous, when the man returned for his horse, not only did it had newly shod feet, but my great grandmother (a young girl at the time) was riding him bareback around the corral.
I learned he was famous for breeding and training Belgian Harness Pairs, his horses were sought out from as far west as California to haul precious cargo across the Western Deserts. He had homesteaded a small ranch near present day Dove Creek, CO. He mortgaged his horses and ranch for a business venture hauling Uranium Ore from Eastern Utah to Galveston Texas by horse and wagon. The ore was loaded into freighters and across the Pacific to Germany, he would be paid handsomely upon its arrival at the processing facility, but the freighter hit weather in the Baltic and sank. He lost everything. His horses, his ranch, his livelihood. He packed up the family and moved to California.
We had many other conversations in that six hours. War stories (he’s one of the last surviving Chosin Marines), college shenanigans, growing up in Chico, CA during the depression, stories about my grandfather and the hard choices he had to make between his young family and his beloved Marine Corps. I learned a lot about my blood, my history and my ancestry. He turns 91 today, I won’t get many more chances to have these talks and I am grateful.
Conversation Number 2
This one was shorter, it was via text message, who it was with and the specifics will stay between the two of us. But I learned the power of a small amount of kindness, love, honesty, and compassion in a moment of sadness. But the power of these emotions came despite the fact that this person is justifiably extremely angry at me and hurt by me. Despite their own hurt, they are still able to see the good in me and have honest conversation. It’s amazing how even a few kind words can turn a dark day a little brighter. Thank you.
Conversation Numer 3
Who this one was with will also stay private, this was a phone conversation of well over an hour. A conversation with someone who also allowed fear, anger, trauma and alcohol to take control. To open the door to series of very costly and poor decisions lead to a total upheaval of his life that also ended with a suicide attempt. We just talked, we shared experiences, what we’ve learned, how we grew and when growth appeared. Honest conversation about lack of sleep and eating, about the anxiety of what-ifs and the sudden debilitating emotional break downs. There was no judgements, there was no comparisons, there was no attempting to steer anyones path. Just two wounded humans, in different places on the recovery timeline sharing their pain, their victories and their defeats, just helping one another continue on the lifelong path of becoming and being better humans.
So What?
I wrote a bit about the harmfulness of holding onto anger a few days ago. Yesterday I learned the true value of someone being able to share and express anger in a healthy and productive manner. I learned how differently it lands on the focus of that anger, I didn’t feel a need to defend or protect myself, I accepted and validated the way they feel, and despite the pain of the words, it felt better than to respond in ways I would’ve just a few months ago.
“The only journey is the one within.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
I am growing everyday. It’s not linear. It’s like climbing any mountain, there are ups and downs, sections were I move quickly and effectively and crux sections were you get bogged down. Analyzing each move and knowing a fall here could be fatal. I don’t know if I will ever see the summit of this mountain, I see this journey as being a lifelong endeavor, and i will continue to put one foot in front of the other, continue moving forward as I always have, but I will no longer ignore the obstacles along the way, I will allow each it’s proper place and requisite process.
JMH
