“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”
Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
I read a lot these days. Podcasts, audio books, online articles. A dear friend prints things she thinks may be useful and gets them to me. It’s a gift and a curse for me. To pursue things I want or desire in life with laser focus and relentless effort. Right now, what I want is to understand the how and why of what has occurred in my life over the last 30 years. What led me to the precipice and what failed, what was it that kept me clinging to the edge so effectively for so long and then finally broke?
I have learned so much. I understand the memory disconnect, the reasons old events trigger processes in my brain that make me respond as if they are current and real threats. I understand the descent and the amygdala hijack. I know the processes and methods for resolving the memories to normal memory and removing the threat. More than anything, I’ve sought to understand the total loss of control, the blackout and memory gap, and the inability to connect who I was with who I am, how I choose to show up in the world with how I showed up that night. . I’ve had tremendous success and progress so far, I have far to go. I will follow this path in one form or another, as long as I walk this earth.
“Allow people the dignity of their own experience.”
Sean Crotty, Kuska Wellness
As I work on myself and my healing, I find the desire to resole some external conflicts weighs very heavy on me. I accept that no matter how much I heal, how much I change, I may never be given the chance to repair them. I cannot force anyone to speak to me or engage me, I can’t force anyone to give me a chance, and as hard as it is, I am learning to accept it. I also have to try. The need and desire to repair and reconnect with the community I have been expelled from is deep seated for many reasons. I also know my efforts must be genuine, thoughtful and respectful. And right now, that means honoring boundaries and respecting the silence. But it hurts. It hurts to know how much this group I called family, looks out for and takes care of one another. It hurts to be the one who can’t be taken care of or even spoken to. I know they are afraid. I know they don’t trust me. I know I caused deep wounds, but none of that means I am not and can not hurt too. Being thrown out and abandoned, forgotten and erased like I was never there is incredibly hard to live with. It’s hard to stand up again, each day brings new light and new dark, new challenges that know me to the ground, somedays you could really use a hand and a shoulder, and I have a great support group, but somedays you wish that hand or shoulder came from one of the people you lost.
The silence is the worst part. No one I lost checks to see if i’m ok. Like I never meant anything to them, and that hurts the most.
“I decided it is better to scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.”
Nadezhda Mandelstam, Hope Against Hope
