“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
Pema Chodron
It’s been a few days since I updated. Lots going on in life and I had to prioritize some things without distracting from my the work I’m doing on myself. I Have some big changes coming on multiple fronts, I’ll wait until they are more concrete though before I talk about them. I am exploring some alternative CPTSD treatments and I’ll update that progress in due time. Anyway, thanks to those who check in, wonder how I’m doing, I figured it was a good time to just tell the world all at once.
On one hand, I’m getting better. I’m mentally stronger and healthier and better able to cope with life than I have been in many years, maybe ever? I have grown so much through this process and I have such a deep understanding of who I am, what I have carried for most of my life and how it has affected me on so many levels. I see now I have been running in the orange or red for at least 15 years, maybe longer. I’m strangely proud of myself for holding my shit together as well as I did for as long as I did, and simultaneously disappointed that I allowed myself to get here, too afraid to ask for or admit I needed help. For me, I needed to understand the mechanisms behind PTSD, what was happening in my brain to cause these physical and psychological responses? How did I get to place where I couldn’t remember what occurred or what triggered it? How did I engage in things I would NEVER think possible? I realize not everyone thinks like this, but I like to know how shit works.
On the other hand, I’m incredibly sad, depressed lonely, confused and stuck. The loss of all my friends recently is one level of grief that I am allowing to process daily. The loss of my relationship and best friend is really heavy, and my heart is broken – this is the heaviest and most serious wave for me, and it hurts a lot. The loss of a community of people that I care deeply about, some I consider family is a whole other level of loss and grief. So without getting into much more detail than I already have, on one side I am climbing out of the muck and the shit, growing and learning, getting stronger and healthier. On the other side, I am deeply stuck in grief and loss and some parts of the day it is absolutely devastating and in others I get by with a few tears. But the hollow, empty feeling in my stomach doesn’t go away, the dreams and memories don’t seem to get less frequent, and random things trigger very emotional outbursts. But I think thats part of healing and emotional growth, allowing myself to feel all of it.
So…. in the last 50+ days, I initially experienced a complete and total annihilation of who I was, or what I thought I should be. I then went through stages of further deconstruction and peeling away (I think I will still find some layers to expose in the coming days/weeks/months years) until I found my core., I was able to look at who I am, who I want to be and what I need to do. In many ways I was given a gift, no one is dead, myself included, and I get the opportunity to completely rebuild myself brick by brick, I get to choose which bricks to use and which to discard. The best version of me is coming, the best parts of me will be better. The broken parts of me are healing and growing, I’m getting better. Everything about addiction and PTSD can be treated, healed, let go of and managed. I know I still have many hard, depressing and challenging days ahead, but I have new ways to get through them with honesty, compassion and acceptance that I never had before. I will never lose control like that again. And the best part? My demons are no longer caged inside. I have set them free, they no longer get to dictate my life or control what happens.
And in the end, if I am lucky, I will be given the chance to show how I’m changing and growing, and begin to repair the damage I did to people I love too.
