Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.
Anais Nin
It’s real, it’s crushing. I’m in a place that is normally a highlight of my year, but today it represents everything I have lost. The memories of what was cemented here and how it so quickly fell apart are hard to shut down and quiet. I do the exercises I’ve been taught, breath, go to my safe place, focus on the words:
“I got you”
“It’s ok”
“This won’t last forever”
“Don’t let it make you hard.”
But they don’t take away the knot in my stomach, the ache in my heart or the thoughts of how much I miss you, how much I would sacrifice for a single smile or a single hug.
People tell me I’m getting stronger, healthier, growing. But somedays it feels like I am just a pathetic, broken man. That this breakdown has made me things I taught myself to despise, and who could possibly love me now?
But deep down, I know, I am getting stronger, I am becoming a better version of myself, I am learning to love myself and accept my strengths and my weaknesses. To continue this path. And to have faith that the love we shared isn’t dead, and I someday I may get the chance to nurture and grow it again.
But today, anxiety is winning, and its a struggle.
