“Healing trauma involves tears. The tears release our pain. The tears are part of our recovery. My friend, please let your tears flow.”
Dana Arcuri, Soul Cry: Releasing & Healing the Wounds of Trauma
Almost 50 hours of windshield time in the last 5 days. Life on the road, it wasn’t supposed to be this way, my winter work schedule was planned to be based somewhere else, to maximize the time I could spend with her. But thats gone, and contracts will be honored and miles will be driven.
It’s impossible to stay out of your head on long stretches of open road. Audible, podcasts, music and talk radio only get you so far. Eventually something brings you back to the depths of your despair. Something reminds you of something and you break down. I stop a lot, no longer passing the dirt road in the middle of nowhere and wondering where it goes. I’m no longer in a hurry to get anywhere, as long as I get there on time. It’s on these side roads where I let the tears really flow. I let the words come and I sit with my pain, my loss. I’m still confused, I still feel like I was yanked out of my dream life and dropped in this parallel but different world. This place where almost everything is the same, but the person, place and people I love have been replaced by a void. A void that currently, physically is just a short drive away, but it might as well be in Nepal. I will honor my promise of boundary and space…
It’s currently my biggest internal struggle, to make no effort, to not try and connect. My gut says to go for it, my hear is terrified of more rejection and my head says “not yet”. I still have work to do, I still have miles to go, I still have layers to reveal, acknowledge and heal. Somedays it feels like she is farther away as each minute passes and some days it feels like time closes the gap between us, in reality I have no idea. I hold space for the love we shared, and a faith that love hasn’t died. But I don’t know. So I keep driving, I keep doing the work and I keep trying to look ahead and not get too stuck behind.
