The Light

“We all have traumas in different ways.  It’s how we respond to the trauma and then what do we do with that response, in terms of what are we doing differently?  My passion in my main work is showing people towards the light.  The light is inspiring people to continue on, to be pulled into a future that’s better than where they are today.”
Dr. Alex Pattakos

This week my therapist asked me a tough question.  We were talking about the hurt I feel because I feel that I haven’t been able to properly apologize to Amy.  Sure I sent texts, emails and video messages, but the lack of conversation, even on the phone, has been deeply hurtful and I’ve experienced feelings of guilt and sadness, feeling like my attempts to apologize didn’t land as genuine.  So as I struggled with some tears and to get the feelings out, he stopped me and asked:

“Are you truly wanting to apologize or are you trying to manipulate the narrative to make yourself feel better?”

Boom.  I was taken aback in huge ways.  But I didn’t respond.  I sat with it for the rest of our session and well into my drive home and then a hike with the pup. It’s a fair question, it made me question my real motivations for creating this blog and sharing my journey.  Am I doing this to continue healing and learn and develop better ways to manage trauma and grief in my life? Or, am I using this to once again find my value in external validation, in the form of likes, well wishes and kind words?  Tough questions indeed, and I haven’t stopped thinking about them.  I’ve written many notes and thoughts, wondering am I seeking validation?  Am I trying to manipulate the narrative?

I’ll come back to both of those questions in a bit.  First I want to talk about some current struggles. 

ACCOUNTABILITY

I am finally seeing and believing the truth that I am a good person who did a horrible thing, I’m not a monster, I’m not a bad human.  I am a wounded human.  I made the choice to drink that night, at some point I made a choice to continue drinking and then at some point I demanded love.  Not in the form of sex or affection, I was just completely overwhelmed by grief and in my inebriated state, I made a series of poor decisions.  I am doing my best to own my actions, it’s really hard and scary to do when you don’t really know the facts.    I know that regardless of what relationships I may be able to repair down the road, the most important one to salvage is the one with myself.  I know that learning to forgive myself is part of this journey, and understanding what I did and how has been a huge block in my process.  I also am learning to respect that people who have information to share, may never feel comfortable or compelled to do so and I have to respect them and their processes as well.

GRIEF

Therapy has been an insane ride.  Once Jed got me out of crisis mode and started asking me tough questions and confronting my beliefs about myself, doors started unlocking in my brain like I’ve never experienced.  One of the buried experiences that I have recalled was the death of my friend Pete.  Pete and I went to high school together, during our junior year he got cancer, I believe it was Osteosarcoma, the same thing that would get my dog years later.  He went through chemo and radiation for a year, he had an arm amputated, but he persevered and walked across the stage and graduated with us the following year.  Pete died on August 12^th, a week before his 18^th birthday.  I happened to be in boot camp at the time and found out via a card from my grandmother.  I was given a few minutes to run across the parade deck at MCRD to make a call and return.  I spoke to my parents for a few minutes and then went back. My Senior Drill Instructor asked if I needed to quit, if I needed to drop.  I said I didn’t, we were less than a month from graduation and I was in position to graduate with a meritorious promotion and as honor man.  Pete was the first significant death in my life that I was old enough to understand.  My DI told me to go back to work, to be strong, to be a leader.  So I did.  I grieved Pete for less than 10 minutes.  My grandfather died a few months later,  as I stood in my dress blues, holding his ashes and at the gravesite, my thoughts were to remain stoic, Marines in uniform don’t cry (although I think I lost my composure during the 21 gun salute, and again when I handed the flag to my grandmother).

One of the sledgehammer blows to the face moment I have experienced in therapy in the last week is the realization that this is how I have processed every death since.  Every loved one, every friend, every patient on the hill.  I gave myself a few minutes to be openly and publicly sad, raised a glass, said some nice things and then put it away and went back to work.  I have NEVER grieved for anyone. 

It is clear one of my mechanisms for dealing with my own pain is to help others with theirs (alcohol has been an obvious other one).  Amy lost both her grandmothers this summer, she had been stuck in deep grief for most of July and August.  Our once very close bond had become strained as I did my best to comfort her and give her space.  In the same window I lost a series of friends, beginning with one of my life’s earliest and most important mentors, followed by a former employee and patrol friend, and then the rapid fire deaths of Jason, Xak and Todd, bringing my inability to grieve and my lifelong struggles with suicide crashing down on top of me.  I tried to manage my grief by attempting to help Amy with hers, as she pushed me away, I looked for other ways to manage, and alcohol was the easy and available one.  While I don’t remember everything, the spots of memory I have seem to point to me needing, help, love and support and reaching out for it in the most harmful of ways..

So, I’m grieving. It’s been intense, each day, each hour, feelings for another lost friend, family member or stranger I couldn’t save comes crashing into me like ocean waves. I suddenly find myself switching from a smile to hysterical crying.  I haven’t slept more than an hour or two in 16 days or more.  I feel incredible loss and sadness for so many amazing people who have come and gone from my life.  I also realize I’m feeling extraordinary grief over the loss of the woman I love, the tribe I had found and a future that seemed so bright.

ABANDONMENT

This one is tricky, and for now I’m going to skirt some childhood trauma and focus on a few significant events, suffice it to say, I was raised in a safe, loving home but it wasn’t perfect and my inability to process some things with anything but anger as a kid, led to these very unhealthy coping mechanisms as an adult.

The first one was the Marine Corps. My life plan and dream to fly helicopters destroyed in a few seconds when I was hit by a car while working construction and going to school in the Reserves.  I was never given a chance to get healthy or prove my worth, I was just let go.

The second was The Canyons Ski Patrol.  I dedicated 20 years there, I built and achieved a lot.  When I left in 2011, we still had a significant unresolved lawsuit from an avalanche in 2007  that I key defense witness for.  The lawsuit finally happened in 2013, and from the time I left until the jury verdict, I was still very much part of the inner circle at The Canyons. I realize in hindsight I was used, they needed me, and within a few days of the verdict, I just became irrelevant.  I didn’t matter anymore, and the people and place I had dedicated most of my career to threw me away.

WBR, I uncovered some financial wrong doings, and after being voted off the board, I was summarily dismissed from the organization a few days before a dog school I was to instruct at, via text message..

And now BMR.  I get it.  The place was host to and witness of my complete breakdown.  The people I loved as family turning their backs, I can’t speak for them, but I think some of them knew I was struggling, a few I had conversations with really knew, and a few always offered to be there.  But when I finally had my breakdown, I realized the people I had believed would be there to help me get back on my feet, turned me away.  Most by just blocking my number, email and/or social media. Some actually said something to me, but mostly I was just ghosted.  I went from being a part of something to being a footnote.  I recognize that it falls on me and my actions, that change comes from proving I will walk a better path, but I’m human and the cost of this rejection hurts a lot, it’s heavy and I’d love the chance to at least talk to anyone.

There are other, less significant events in my life, but the realization that the fear of rejection and abandonment has been a cause for so much destructive behavior has been a real source of growth, introspection and growth for me.

ANGER

Oddly for the first time in my memory I’m not angry, at least not on an overwhelming chip on my shoulder level.  I’m angry at myself, for what I’ve done, for my inability to say I wasn’t ok, to ask for help or a shoulder to cry on when it was offered.  But this thing I nurtured and protected, thinking it was somehow valuable to me is flickering and I’m letting it die.  I never wanted to hurt people I love.  It is heart breaking to know the person who once felt safe with me is now afraid me.  I am learning ways to acknowledge and process my anger instead of storing it for future use.  I am learning that it’s ok to be angry, but there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to allow that emotion to escape.  Until now, I only had destructive methods, more learning, more steps in the right direction.

SO BACK TO THE ORIGINAL QUESTION…

My answer is no.  After lots of soul searching and introspection, writing and sorting through thoughts, no I’m not trying to manipulate the narrative.  I accept that I cannot force or change any part of how other people perceive and feel what occurred.  I also know I am deeply hurt by my own actions, and the consequences of them.  I am hurting for Amy in ways I’ve never experienced, she is an incredible person who I love very much, and my apology comes from a place of true sadness, grief and loss.  Mostly it’s because I want her to heal, to know that the monster she saw that night will never exist again, she doesn’t need to fear it, even if I never see or speak to her again, that thing is gone.  So no, my need to apologize comes from a place of love, respect and grief, from the loss of an incredible partner and relationship, the loss of a community and a future that seemed so bright.  I walk my path for my own healing, and if I get to reconcile these other things then it’s a tremendous life bonus.

As for the writing.  Yep I’m human.  The kind words of support and encouragement do mean something, but they aren’t the motivator.  Writing has helped me from getting so stuck in the spin cycle inside my head, moving it from social media to here feels less like seeking validation and more like just sharing.  For those who are here for the ride, I hope something I share can prevent you from the horrible mistakes I’ve made.  And, I’ll keep sharing random poems and inspirational quotes on my social media stories, because quite frankly, they help me stay focused on the path ahead and keep a little bit of hope burning.

Tonight will be three weeks since the wheels came off, I feel like I have found them all, but they aren’t back on the car yet, but they will be, im focused on the light, and being in a better place than I was yesterday.