This was the first public statement I made on Facebook on 2021.08.29
Disclaimer – Im not posting this for sympathy or attention, I’m posting to help break the stigma around mental health care. These experiences are my own and no better or worse than anyone else’s, they are just mine…
PTSD, Depression, self-hatred are things i’ve lived with in varying levels most of my life. People close to me, and people not so close to me have offered help and resources many times. I always said no, I always said im fine. A small part of this was programmed in me from a young age by my grandfather who pushed thru some extreme pain and hardship. But most of it was sewn in an industry where trauma and pain were dealt with by drunken binges and badges of honor to see who could go bigger and deeper than anyone else and still make it to work tomorrow. Help was something other people needed, we “sucked it up” and went back to work. I am as guilty as the next guy for proliferating this unhealthy occurrence. I also fell into the stigma of believing that seeking mental heath care made me weak or incapable of doing my job. I found it was easier to deflect my pain into helping others and drinking with my pards than to confront my demons. I can’t count the dead bodies, the dying the mangled I dealt with, but i see their eyes, I see their pain and I hear their screams every time I close my eyes. The depositions and lawsuits, the stress of operations. All of these things fed my demons. On a few occasions, they came out to play but I was always able to wrangle them back inside before I did too much damage, but I did do damage. A few brave souls pushed me to get help, but I would get my shit under control for awhile and things would be ok. Well….They finally came out to play and I couldn’t get them back in their cage. 3 deaths in96 hours, 2 by suicide unlocked pain I had never experienced before and it manifested in horrible ways. I caused immense pain to the person I love more than any in this world and to a community of people who probably don’t realize how much they did to help me. I knew I needed help and I was afraid to ask. It cost me most of what matters most to me. I made a choice Friday morning to live. I made a choice to quit drinking forever for myself, but most importantly I made a choice to finally seek and accept the help I need. Thank you to everyone who reached out. For the two cowboys that saved me from making a final decision thank you.
To everyone I hurt, I cannot tell you how sorry I am.To everyone else, it’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to be vulnerable. It’s ok to hurt. It’s not ok to hurt the people you love. Check on your friends often, and when shit seems off, know that it likely is and they may need more of an intervention than you realize.Break the stigma. Choose to live. Love you all
